Shadow

I
Patter, patter, patter. Belco – really Belasco Licio II – shivered and pulled his black coat tighter around himself. But it didn’t banish the ice in him, caged in his bones. And the rain continued battering him, thousand little needles.
The scenery was perfect. The haze of rain made everything grey. The earnest, blank, unhappy faces, the crowd in black, the big stone coffin.
Belco didn’t participate in the prayers or songs, he had a sore throat.
Besides, it was hard enough to stand in the rain without help.      
Soon, Belco assured his tired legs as they began to shake. It is over soon. Have a bit of patience.
The coffin was white, and huge. White for purity, something in which Belcos family left a lot to desire. And for innocence. The person in the coffin couldn’t ’have done anything wrong, even when he would have wanted to. Not in his condition.
Belco knew, that the person inside the coffin was puny.
Puny like himself.
But if the coffin would be smaller, the many flowers, bows, letters and other presents would not fit on it.  
Tardy, late, thought Belco. Do you really think the person cares for that now?
“Gorgeous!“, sighed an awestruck voice. “Don’t you think too, that it is nice from them to extra buy horses?” Belco looked up. A Lady, that was related to him somehow – great aunt to the whateveritispower probably – smiled at him, pitiful and encouraging.
Belco, who didn’t want to attract unpleasant attention, managed with effort, to do the same. Then the emptiness came back into his look and his eyes stuck on the coffin. “They are using horses…”, because it is not reasonable for any human to have the sickness trapped in the coffin, thought Belco. But he didn’t say it, only sighed.  
The horses – black pomp-animals, of course – let down the coffin in the pitch black earth’s gorge.
Dresses, horses, carriage, earth. I’m seeing black, thought Belco.
“Oh well.” With a throat-clearing and a dab on Belcos shoulder, the Lady was gone. “Whew!” It felt like a fist punch, even through the coat.
The (well-paid) priest began his speech: “As a father, grandfather, son, brother, uncle and cousin, he was very important to us all.” Ha. Ha., thought Belco. The important thing was him always needing care. “Therefore we shall now give Keziban a dignified“, dignified? Showy!, “passage into the thereafter.“ In other words, get rid of the corpse as fast as possible.
Belco turned away from the happenings. To many lies.
“…where only a few of his good traits…”, palavered the priest.
“Bye, Grandpa” Only a weak whisper from a understanding tongue. But understanding also didn’t make the situation better.
“He really takes it to heart”, whispered a faceless voice behind Belcos back. Of course I do, thought Belco.
Too soon, he would end the same.
For Belco had the same sickness as his Grandfather.

II
“Could I please be excused from the meal?“ At Belcos question, after she had scant him with a criticizing look, his mother nodded her head tightly. “Don’t let on anything.” Anything was of course the tiredness, that palsied him more and more, the weakness, that overcame him – the sickness.
Although, arrived in his big room, his even bigger bed invitingly stretched pillows and blankets towards him, Belco went to his window. Longing, he looked outside. Instead of exploring the nature out there, wandering through it, he painted it. He painted! The same scenery, again and again. By day and night, sun and rain.
Belco felt old.
Knock. Very bland, it thumped on Belcos door. He rolled his eyes, nerved. Belco went in his room, to get away from it all, from the guests. He just wasn’t the best in nonstop-smiling-being-friendly-and-polite.
“Belco? Are you-?” “THALITA!“ Belco pushed himself of the wall with his foot and rolled to the door in his chair, where he happily greeted the girl from who he had his nickname.
“Good to see you! Really, I am so happy that you could come!” “Of course. I don’t want to miss the opportunity of seeing you.”
How right she was. They really couldn’t spend much time together – but that only made their feelings stronger.
Belco liked, how her blond hair turned the light in liquid gold, how she smiled, and her mellow voice and gentle ways.
Actually, Belco liked the whole person.
“How long are you staying?“, asked Belco. Thalita’s family lived, as did Belcos, rich and in luxury, but with a bursting full agenda. Thalita shrugged her pretty shoulders. “About two days. Maybe I can pursue my mother to a longer stay.” Both sat on the bed, because there wasn’t any room anywhere else. “That would be nice”, nodded Belco.
“Why didn’t you already come to me on the funeral”, he asked the next question. “There where to many people”, Thalita answered quietly. She was too nice to tell that Belco was over-underaveradge small.
Thalita peered Belcos eyes. “Everyone else thinks, you are hiding because of grief.“ Nobody knew about Belcos sickness. But Thalita had found it out by herself. She had something naturally  watchful that Belco couldn’t recognize by anybody else. Luckily, she could keep a secret.
“Also”, answered Belco. “I liked him.” The same fate, the same suffer was a great connection. ”Grandpa told nice stories.” Both their dream, of what they didn’t have and couldn’t have.
“For a moment I have thought about laying down beside him – in the grave. To get it over with.” Thalita, who had waited patiently, bursted out: “That is egoistic!” But it wasn’t an insult, more a loud thought. “Huh?” Thalita explained: “Well, then you’re redeemed, and others have to feel guilty or sad or alone.” Belco looked uncomprehendingly at her. “People need you!”, she exclaimed.
“Really? Who can find use”, Belco pointed out to one of his weak toothpick arms, “in this?” “The flower for example.” Belcos ledge-plant. “And all that… love and… like you.“ Thalita blushed.
Nice, innocent Thalita. Always such a positive Attitude. Belcos death would crash her to pieces.
“Eat something”, Thalita escaped the situation with a theme change. “The pheasant is good.” Belcos eyes almost glowed. Thalita pushed a plate nearer to Belco, that, after lifting the coverage, revealed his favorite food. “I know you, Belco.” “Yes, you do.”
If it wasn’t for Thalita to be there, Belco would feel completely alone after his Grandfathers death.
While Belco was eating, Thalita was sitting next to him, and watched patiently and quiet. Both could remain silent for hours, and it was awesome.
“Thalita! THA-LI-TA!” An angry woman’s voice. Belco and Thalita both almost jumped, startled. But before Belco could reply something, Thalita held her finger in front of her lips and glared at him warningly. After the click of the – surely painful – high heeled shoes on the hall in front of the door faded, Thalita explained: “Mom tries to set me up with Roberio, this bootlicker!” “Maybe he just wants to be nice…”, Belco countered weakly. “But it is wrong! A lie! And besides…“, Thalita took a deep breath, as if she had to arm herself for the words to come, ”I like someone else.” Her before energetic voice became still and stagnant, her head sank, and her pretty eyes stared at Belco from under her bangs, somewhere between ashamed and hopeful.    
Couldn’t be more obvious, thought Belco and sighed.
Thalitas mom was stern and tactical, but fair. And unlike her daughter she seemed to have far-sightedness for the future.
“It would never last long…” Belco tried to break the pitiless truth to Thalita as gentle as possible, but she had an other perspective on the facts. “ I would rather have a short life than a life that’s a lie”, Thalita said deliberately. Belco didn’t know what to say. “And you are the truest person that I know”, she added, in a caring tone. Likewise, thought Belco.
And then Thalita kissed him. A gentle Butterfly wing beat. Loving, encouraging, and at the same time a silent plead.
That Belco would like to have granted. “It wouldn’t work. You’ve seen, what happened to Grandfather. And it doesn’t get better. It is only a question of time…”
“One more reason, to live life to the fullest.”
Suggestion or question?, Belco questioned  himself silently.
Thalita ran her thumb over Belcos hand – much to wiry and thin – one last time and left him alone with his thoughts.
Her steps trailed off, and Belco held a weak, shaking hand to his lips, tried to understand, why anybody should like that.

III
“You have to think less!“ “When I could!”
At the moment, Belco was shortly before being caught into a water fight, and wondered why he had got pulled into this.
Thalita put her idea of living life to the fullest into action very fast, on the next day.
The beginning, a carriage-ride, was quite nice, even though the rough street didn’t deserve its name, the carriage was juddering and Belco felt after it, as if no bone was on it’s appropriate place. But then it became more and more. Thalitas visions about a fun day spiraled up to dizzying heights. She insisted on hiking (to the picnic place), a comfortable horse ride became a dangerous race, and the boat, a tiny walnut shell, had a hole and almost sunk.
“Oops”, said Thalita without the slightest trace of repent.
A very tired Belco let himself fall on the sand, “Ooff!”, and let the sun cast out the ice in him. “I never knew you had such a side, Thalita…”, whispered Belco out of breath. She just laughed as a reply. “By times it’s just fun to have a break from lady-being.” Then the theme made a U-turn. “The water is marvelous! Come already!” Belco threw a perplexed look to Thalita, who went into the water in a spur of a moment, as he got a splash into his face.
Glistening water, sparkling eyes, beaming smile
Thalita remembered Belco of glass – Artists glass. Beautiful, precious, surprisingly dangerous and so easy to break. Much too easy.
Belcos legs hurt, as did his head, his eyes, his arms. Almost everything made itself felt unpleasantly. The day had tired him out.
But to see Thalita flourish like that was totally worth it.
“And? Wishes granted?”, asked Thalita. Belco nodded. “But rested legs and soft pillows also feel good.“ “When you sacrifice something good, sometimes you get something better.”
It was like that now.
The late sunlight, thrown back as rays of fire and gold, was so beautiful. Everything was so beautiful. Thalita was so beautiful.
“Oh Thalita, what will I do when you’re gone…“ “Then the world will become gray and boring”, joked Thalita.  
Belco smiled. When I should die anyways, he thought, it could be here. On this beach, under the afternoon sun, with Thalita in the water near to me.
Here and now, happy, in peace and quiet.

IV
It began shortly before arriving at home.
A shudder, and then Belcos muscles went on a strike.
“Everything o- Ohmygod!“ Belcos mean coughing fit answered Thalitas question before it got completed.
Thalita supportingly held Belco under his arm, just in time, or he would have fallen on the ground.
With shaking and twitching, the way from the gate to the door was unendingly long, and almost not to conquer. Thalita towed Belco, who wasn’t a big help with his weak rubber legs, almost like a gunnysack. Both collapsed against the door, and Thalita banged hectic against door and doorbell, while she tried without effect to secure Belco from sliding down along the door.
“In there is help. Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay…”, Thalita repeated again and again, a self-reassurance, a mantra. She sounded dull, and far away in Belcos ears.
Ding-ding-ding-ding… Many bell chimes passed in fear. Ding-ding-ding…
“I don’t want to talk over our savior!“ Finally, after how it seemed an eternity, the door jerked open. “Stop the RINGING-”, where the first words of the person opening the door, Belcos Mother. “What did you do to my son?!” But she let it alone by Thalitas distressed gaze and Belcos subtle shake of the head. It wasn’t Thalitas fault. And fate was hard to punish.
“On the couch”, commanded Belcos Mother shortly. Belco in his current state wouldn’t have made it anywhere else anyways, than to the small lobby-waiting-place directly behind the door. And then Belcos mum screamed “Service!” and “A doctor!” and “Somebody do something!” and all sorts of other things that, despite the dullness, gave Belco headaches.
A big bustle aroused. One person got covered by another, to appear again somewhere completely different. So much movement. Belco got dizzy.
Motionless and unnoted in the middle stood Thalita.
“The day has greatly helped me, to appreciate this here. Really”, muttered Belco. Nobody listened.
The movement, the whirring voices, Thalitas fear. Belco had enough. With a weak, encouraging smile he closed his eyes. Let go. Everything drowned in black nothing.

V
When Belco emerged from the dark, the light was dimmed. Thank you, whoever did this, thought Belco, the eyes still closed.
To open the eyes hurt. But the quiet sobbing, that he didn’t recognize before, silenced. Thalita looked to Belco, came to him, and took his droopy hand in her delicate fingers.
“You cried…”, whispered Belco.
The death, that had settled in Belcos body, crept out of every one of his words, spread out on the room. Belco felt bad about Thalita having to hear that.
She just petted his hand, silently.
Everything moved. Belco blinked, looked through squinted eyes in the still room. His still room. But that didn’t change, that everything, furniture, walls, persons and his window flower in full bloom, changed between distinct and blurry on their own whim.
Medication, Belco assumed – Lifesubstainers.
“I look terrible, don’t I?” To friendly or sad to answer Thalita petted Belcos hand.
“I’m… So sorry”, it finally quarried out of her, as did a new wave of tears.
“No.” For Belco every sound was scratchy metal, every letter a keen challenge, and yet he said it. “Better a short… than a unfulfilled life, right?” Thalita sniffled. “You… have fulfilled… my life. You… where a reason… to stay.“
Thalitas pressure on Belcos hand increased.
It was so hard to talk. So hard. Belco had no idea, how he did it, but he fought through it. If somebody deserved it, then Thalita.
“I love you too”, Belco carked. He ignored the pain, sat up – he really got disturbed by the transfusion tube – and hugged Thalita. For a Moment they just held each other, supporting, giving strength. Also now her warmth the most comforting thing Belco could imagine. Was it mutual?
Then Belco fell back. “Thalita…“, he sighed, while his hands loosened the grip to hers and sank with him.
“BELCO!” Finally Thalita screamed. A despaired beg with a tear choking voice. But Belco didn’t hear her anymore. His empty eyes stared into nowhere. So he laid there.
A smile on his lips.

VI
Belco felt himself float away, fall. Through black cotton balls, deeper and deeper.  He tried to struggle, gasped for breath, fought, without effect, against the black.
But what he did inside didn’t change anything outside.
“Schhhh…” A voice out of nowhere. Somewhere between  motherly and frightening, between warm and cold. Soft, soothing, and yet with enormous power. Everything was in the voice, what on could think of and more. Each breath brought something else to the surface. Young, old, bored, enthusiastic, love, hate.
Belco stopped straining himself and floated in the emptiness.
“Goood Boy”, said the voice. Mockingly?
Belco looked around, blinked, but he couldn’t find the origin of the voice.
He didn’t see, just felt, that he – she – it was everywhere around him. He knew the feeling… From somewhere…
“You have followed me all along.” Belcos words weren’t bitter, just slightly baffled discovery.
“Surprised?”, asked the voice. Belco didn’t know what to say. ”You are not the only one”, the voice continued after a short pause, “One of many. The question is, when does it get noticed…?”
Everywhere around Belco there was color now. Every color on earth, and even more. And Light. Shirring, stirring, blurry swimming brightness.
“So… This here is heaven? Or the court of the dead?”, Belco mumbled, thinking. “Do you really want to know that?” The voice. Belco didn’t know what to reply. But not to get an answer just brought more questions. “So you are… death?” “Do I have to answer you what you already know?” None of the words, that came from the voice, made it even the slightest bit better. Now the questions just sputtered out of him. “What does the light mean? Why can’t I see anything? See you? Am I even dead?“
Belco had the feeling as if somebody laid a finger on his lips – did he even have lips, was he really there? – and quieted.
“You have to think less.” It hurt to hear the words repeated, that Thalita once had spoken. So badly, that Belco kept his mouth shut, even with the questions that hammered inside of him, almost exploding.
The light got, like Belcos thoughts, more and more uneasy. It towered up, crashed down, stirred and whirled. Nothing stopped the waves and the foam. The impact was infinitely big, but Belco didn’t get send flying, like he should have, he softly floated, high and low. The mass of brightness swashed without a barrier. Even through Belco. It filled everything – or was just everything a part of it? Was Belco a Part of it?  
He really should think less.
The light blurred into faces and places, stories. And Belco felt it. His head over flooded with feelings that weren’t his. From some he had not even known that they exist.
Belco released a tiny shriek of surprise.
Should I redeem you? Take the pain away and finally give you rest? What the voice said made Belco think. “No”, he finally said, “With that, joy would be gone to. And that, what made me to what I am.” Even though it sounded temptingly comfy.
Belco felt a nod from the mysterious voice. “What would you give… to see your pretty Thalita again?”, it smirked. It was strange to hear it talking like that. Without hesitation Belco answered: “Anything.” “Humans give away so easily… As if it doesn’t mean anything… Brave boy, you. You know what? I give you what you want.”
Like under a silent command the lights-sea got wild and dangerous, sprayed fume like by an angry storm. The wishes, dreams from other persons filled him, more and more, consumed him and rushed to a rumbling, roaring sea-boom.
“However, with Services… Maybe discomforts for you”, the voice revealed her trade to Belco.
Belco new, that it wouldn’t get better.
And then he thought of Thalita. Thalita, that spread her shine in his screaming scull. Thalita, who was alone now. Thalita, who of all people, deserved that least.
Belco gritted his teeth. “I’ll bear it”, he hissed through them. “For her I will endure.”
He allowed the feelings-light-shimmer to move towards him, that it filled him out completely.
He didn’t  prevent that he got changed.

VII
Thalita softly closed Belcos eyes.

IIX
The small figure crouching in front of the grave sobbed heartbreakingly. “So much I wanted to tell you…”
Belco was relieved, to catch Thalita before her visitation-time was over. It had took a while, till he was used to his current form, intangible and healthy, and he couldn’t bring himself to go to his own funeral.
Belco saw the tears fall, felt the grief. It was unbearable.
But Belco was a shadow now. Mute and loyal following his master.
Death shadow.
“Still so much…”, Thalita began again. “Schhh…”Belco whispered, and laid a hand on her shoulder. Even though she could neither hear nor feel him, Belco didn’t want to see her sad any longer.
Give her a little bit of strength – she could need it.
An almost impossible wish.
“You look prettier when you smile”, Belco whispered. Thalita did nothing. “We both new, that it would happen… Sooner or later. It’s not your fault. Everybody knows that – I know that. Don’t let that get you down. Don’t let it change, who you are. Please”
He would have done anything, to bring the usual strength, the usual glow back to her.
“Thalita – child, it is time to go.” Thalitas mother sounded worried in the driven up car, but the world didn’t make considerations. Not even for broken hearts.
Thalita wiped the tears of her face, stood up, took a deep breath. Then she walked towards her mother. On the outside overly slow, deliberate and certain, so nobody would notice that inside she was off track and stumbled.
Belco saw it.
In front of the car one last glance, one last silent plead.
One last farewell.
Belco stood a little bit longer by the grave – heaped with presents and next to Belcos grandfather – he too had to said good-bye to his body.
Then ne caught up to Thalita. “You are not alone.” Just please, please stop looking so heart-rending, he thought. “I’m still there. I won’t let you alone. I’ll stay by you. Always.”
He would follow her. Home is where the heart is. His heart was by Thalita – without any chance of recovery.
Thalita got into the car. Belco followed her.
They drove away, saw Belcos villa get smaller and smaller and finally disappear.
A mother, a loving one, and a death shadow.